We all lose relationships along the road of life, but the question is, what kind of losses are they? Let’s consider what it means to appreciate good losses. Maybe, this one truth is the key that unlocks healthier connections.
Are you ever grateful for the people who have left your life? If we are always changing, why do we assume people in our circle should be static? Why would we want them to be? Ultimately, we miss an important piece of relationship wisdom if we don’t learn the power in good losses.
Change Can Be Good For Everyone
I get it; it sounds pretty cold. But, if we expect to keep everyone in our lives and work towards that end, we will spend our lives patching and rebuilding relationships that may be best let go. The skill of recognizing when it’s time to let go prepares us to appreciate necessary losses. Knowing when letting go is better for everyone, not just us. If we aren’t able to support friends, we aren’t really friends in any real sense of the word. Fighting the tide of change is like herding cats. It doesn’t work.
Recognizing What Friends Need
We all long for friends who are ‘ride or die’, but that does not mean every friend is a lifetime friend. To be possible, we would have to stay in the same space as people. Life is unlikely to allow that for any of us. It isn’t about change for change’s sake; often, it’s simply a matter of our own survival. We change, we get hurt, we struggle, and we heal. Not to mention, everyone we know is going through the same foundational shifts. In the midst of all this change, we begin to see why we should appreciate these kinds of losses.
Unhealthy Relationships Are The Best Losses
As we live life, there are questions we need to ask ourselves about the relationships we have:
- Are you and the people in your circle sharing healthy things?
- Can you be yourself and share what you are authentically going through?
- Are you more concerned with making someone feel safe than help them truly flourish?
- Is there a baseline of reciprocity in your correspondence?
- Do you see any toxicity developing in any of your relationships?
- Is the time spent together moving you both closer to peace?
If we aren’t intentional about the connections we make and keep, we may find ourselves spiraling with no-one to catch us. Obviously, that says nothing of the truth that we may be harming others in the process.
Letting Go of Friends Can Be Kindness
Until we appreciate what creates a symbiotic relationship, how can we know what is best for the people we care about or ourselves? Ultimately, it’s not kind to hang onto people when we can’t be authentic friends. If you have changed in significant ways, you may not be the person they need in the current season. That is not being cruel; that is being honest. Subsequently, if the way someone treats you feels shallow or tentative, you may be putting them in a position in your life out of obligation and not out of Love. It isn’t about disposing of people. It’s about being able actually to help them. Filling space isn’t the same as being a supportive friend.
Good Friends Are Honest Friends
If someone has been a part of your life, letting them go may not mean you don’t stay in touch. It isn’t a turning of your face but rather respecting what you can’t offer them, even if it’s only in that season. If you are not connecting on a real level or understand how to meet someone’s needs, you cannot be there for them. Of course, that doesn’t have to create a dramatic break in the relationship. It may just be an honest discussion about where you are in the present moment. It may be that you appreciate a good loss because you know they deserve more than you can give them.
Some Losses Aren’t Losses at All
Suppose you find yourself in a relationship that is way out of kilter. If it’s not reciprocal or fair in any way, it’s time to assess what the interactions are saying. There are good relationships that limp for hard seasons. But, if the relationship’s whole life is tipping to one side, it’s time to see the writing on the wall. Ask for what you need, but if your needs are not something a ‘friend’ is concerned with, letting them go is a net gain. We appreciate good losses by letting go of people who don’t cherish our value or our connection. This will leave space for people who will.
Treasures Aren’t Tossed Away
Taking the time to do this kind of evaluation allows you to take care of yourself and leaves space for Loving others by showing respect even short-term friends deserve. Pointedly, if you have hit a season where you cannot connect with a valuable friend, be direct. Don’t ghost people or take the easy way out. Appreciate good losses, but also speak value to the time you have lifted one another. After all, they deserve to know why you are hard to reach. Most importantly, they need to know it’s not their fault. The hope is that the friendship will circle back again. Whereas, if you leave it abandoned, it makes it harder to bounce back.
Friendship is a sheltering tree.
Recognizing The Seasons of Friendship
Old friends are a gift, and new friends can be lifesavers, find ways to treasure both. (It sounds like a song, doesn’t it?) If there is toxicity practice evaluation, you will learn when to sever ties for all involved. We can’t have healthy relationships without some pruning the dead ones. Appreciate Good losses and Love the people in your circle with character and intentionality. Living this way makes all relationships clear, and this is the path to building a friend circle that flourishes.
Committed Relationships Are Different
It is important to note that commitments are not “At Will” contracts. It’s a promise made. Indeed, it moves us into a different category of evaluation in marriage, friendship, or partnership. There is time to dissolve such ties and contracts, but the bar is high and for a reason. Abuse in any form is such a reason. Even in the hardest of situations, there are acceptable losses, but they must take a prudent and thoughtful route.
Here at WorththeWar, we take preparing people and the little hearts that follow us seriously. We offer resources to help with that journey. One such area is bullying. There is no better loss than a bully in our lives. Our children may find themselves connected to a bully. Here is an article to provide support for knowing the difference and helping your child cope. Teaching Kids About Bullying, I hope it helps with the more extensive learning process when to prune and nurture acceptable losses and fight for relationships that matter.
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Those 7 points pretty much sum up how to prevent narcissisms. Thank you for sharing.
I appreciate your thoughts! Let’s hope we can spare some hearts!
Can I Reblogs this useful post and well written
I’d be honored
thanks will do it tomorrow was waiting for your reply
Appreciate the help.. Much to learn here!
Yes a very informative and very nicely explained post, also never thought this angle ever
Means a lot!
Interesting section about the Narcissist as Sub-Human! I read this article comparing narcs to parasites. And think that is fitting, as they seem to leech and survive off of other people!
https://laughingatnarcs.com/index.php/2020/10/25/parasites/
I think the sub human applies as in there is so much that humans feel, they just don’t š they cannot survive without someone to feed off of indeed. Sad stuff! Thank you for readingā„ļø
Excellent advice. Unfortunately, I was unable to “like” the post b/c of problems w/ my browser. My apologies.
Thank you for your kindness!
Kimie,
(I seem to misplace my reply š) I have not done much work people diagnosed with PD but have a working knowledge of them. In behavioral health world, there is no cure but teaching those diagnosed how to manage behaviors. Itās a long term and difficult task. I do agree that PDs are fascinating.
Iāll let you know what I hear about this therapy .. it is promising but super new:)
Awesome blog. Would you consider narcissism to be a spiritual problem?
I believe we are multi leveled .. we are body, mind & spirit. Our bodies and minds can be abused and it changes us. In the case of narcissism I believe that trauma is the root cause. I also believe there are spiritual influences obvi. So in that way the abuse could have spiritual elements .. I havenāt thought much about this! I think itās a vast question. How does spiritual influence become measurable ? Good question here my friend.
Awesome!
Narcissistic PD (NPD) is usually formed by early adulthood. Itās traits are a feeling of superiority, special or unique. (DSM). Someone with NPD would not accept that there is anyone or thing ābetterā than the person which would rule out a strong belief in God.
If you looked at it from a spiritual perspective, a belief in a higher power would essentially diminish the grandiose thoughts about self. IE . A belief in God would cure the disorder.
Thanks for your thoughts!! I thought the other characteristics were telling as well. All from the DSM-5 being:Have an exaggerated sense of self-importance
Have a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration
Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it
Exaggerate achievements and talents
Be preoccupied with fantasies about success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate
Believe they are superior and can only associate with equally special people
Monopolize conversations and belittle or look down on people they perceive as inferior
Expect special favors and unquestioning compliance with their expectations
Take advantage of others to get what they want
Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others
Be envious of others and believe others envy them
Behave in an arrogant or haughty manner, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious
Insist on having the best of everything ā for instance, the best car or office
The trigger is believed to be trauma, so it is rooted in what is broken or fallen. I agree of the true ability to trust in a concept of God. To be safe they need to BE God, any other authority could cause them harm. Though we all know there are a good number of these individuals in the church at large. It’s fertile ground for trusting people. In the end this false self is hard wired and would take so much to be unwound and for a fix to even be required…it could be argued it would take an act of God. Interesting thoughts ….much of this is over my head but it’s so important to understand!
Kimie,
I have not worked much with personality disorder but I have a working knowledge to identify the characteristics. I do know there is no cure but the goal is to teach those diagnosed with a PD to manage the behaviors. Itās not an easy task.
Wow!