The culture is selling us hard on the idea that sex is separate from Love. Telling us that we don’t need to mess with entanglements of Love for a solid sex life. We rarely argue with the idea because it seems straightforward enough. After all, it’s a physical act that can be combined with a commitment, or not. We all have our world view and, in the absence of prohibition, it’s a no brainer. Or is it? Not everyone readily accepts that sex is all they want. Clearly, many people want something more than a purely physical release. They want to build trust and a life with someone. What are they to do? Pretend it doesn’t matter? Fake it? Throw caution to the wind and hope it all works out? Seems like a gamble with so much at stake. How can you know if it’s real Love, or just great sex?

Real Love and Great Sex

If you are looking for something that lasts beyond the sunrise, there are some effective ways to parse what is purely physical from what runs deeper. Undoubtedly, attraction is integral to finding an intimate partner. It’s important to be able to boil it’s affect down. You don’t wake up one day and realize the attraction was the sole basis of your relationship. When confirmation bias is involved, it’s not as easy as you might think.

How can you know if it’s real Love or just great sex? To start we need to consider how our brains register both. According to  Mary Elizabeth Dean, from Better Help; a publication for counselors; the insular cortex of our brains are the center where both sexual desire and emotional Love come from. Furthermore, a 2012 study actually showed that while you can clearly choose to have sex with no emotional connection, it is actually “difficult” for us to process. We are wired to share sex with emotional intimacy. To remove it confuses our brain and makes our relationship assessment more difficult.

Is Sex More than Skin Deep?

A practical way to determine if it’s attraction, an oxytocin cocktail or something more enduring is to ask targeted questions. Here are some good ones to start with:

1. Are your discussions interesting and do you look forward to hearing their thoughts on many subjects?
2. Would you feel comfortable taking them on a doctor visit or a situation where they would be a comfort or support?
3. Can you make a varied list of activities you would enjoy doing with them?
4. Could you make a list of the qualities you respect about them?
5. Are you willing to and excited to introduce them to people who matter to you?
6. Do you enjoy the non-sexual times you spend together?
7. Do you respect what they do for a career and their work ethic?
8. Are you comfortable with how they treat other people, including service people?
9. Do they respect your boundaries? Physical and otherwise?
10. Do they encourage you to enjoy your own life and relationships?

How to know if it’s Real Love

If you are looking for more than the physical, how can you be sure you are headed for a relationship that has staying power? We hear about the red flags of abuse, but where are all the green flags waving? Here are some signs of Real Love:

1. It moves at a wise pace. You aren’t being chased down the aisle before you know who they really are.
2. You value and maintain strong relationships outside of the two of you.
3. Each partner has a history, complete with passions and interests.
4. They are human, not perfect.
5. It is exciting but not over the top stimulation. “Too good to be true” is all too often, not good at all.
6. Real Love is real kind, builds you up and pours out with wisdom. It makes your life better.

For more information on Real Love check out this article on the differences between real Love and modern Love. It highlights some points about the taking culture of Love. https://worththewar.com/what-is-modern-love-anyway/

So, What Do You Want?

So now we can know if it’s real Love or just great sex but how can we determine what we want? We can seek sex and have it for pleasures sake, but we are wired for so much more. From our very first breath we crave connection. We want to know we are wanted for more than we can give, because we all know there are seasons we can’t give. Illness or distance can render us unable to fill the tank of the one we Love and we don’t want to wonder if they are committed for the long haul. We are free to do as we please but we are not free from the consequences. If you want a whole life that mixes the sexual with the life, Real Love offers that! Seeking real Love will satisfy you body and soul. Attraction has a shorter shelf life.