Have you ever thought so much your head hurts? When you listen to all the lies about Love and relationship that reach us daily it all starts to pile up. My head has been pounding for a week. The term Modern Love sounds so evolved and fresh on the surface. But when you peel off the wrapping it’s actually poison for anyone who wants to build a Real Love! If you absorb it it will take you in the opposite direction. Fortunately, like any poison, if you have the anecdote you can thrive. I am offering that anecdote today.

When we dissect the lies about Love and relationship we can reduce them quickly into a few subject areas. Once we can identify them we can do what works with all lies, douse them with truth and they will scatter. This article will be less than poetic, but what it lacks in beauty, it will make up for in practicality. It’s for those relearning Love or learning how to Love for the first time. For those who are healing from abuse or are teaching childre what Love can be. Let’s dig in to Lies about Love and relationship.

Fairy Tales Live on Paper

LIE: The images and storylines we absorb paint a picture of Love as a magic spell. It finds you, it shapes you and puts color in your life. It is not under your control, but rather, it controls you. Love at first sight is not classified as attraction but rather as Real Love. You are a pawn in the game of Love. If you don’t play your part, you will lose the only chance you get. To add insult to injury sex is hailed as a make or break component of Love. If the sex isn’t off the charts they may not be the one for you.

TRUTH: Love isn’t a spell, it’s a choice. Attraction has a will of its own but you get to guide it by feeding or starving it. Love doesn’t control you. it does not exist without free will. It’s not a game and you can choose who and how you will Love. it does add beauty to your life, but only when its healthy and protected. You have no reason to worry about missing it or it’s vanishing. As long as there are good hearts and compatible mindsets there will be opportunities for Love. Sex is a beautiful expression of Love but it’s also a skill you can learn and practice. If you Love someone, you can find beautiful ways to show them.

Danger in Love isn’t Sexy

LIE If there is a lie about Love I could tattoo on the hearts of every 13 year old, this would be it. Stalking to prove Love, controlling your world to keep you close and dominating you is not healthy. So many popular messages speak of making people bend to their will, even when pursuing a heart. Volatile and erratic behavior is portrayed as exciting and an adventure. Sexual pain is touted as pleasure and the lines of how to proceed without getting into legal trouble is getting blurred.

TRUTH: The fix here is a line in the sand that can’t be crossed. We all want to be loved by someone who is strong , but won’t use that strength to cause us pain. If you are being hurt, make no excuses for them. When someone is controlling and shrinking your world, they aren’t Loving you. If they stalk or are obsessed with you, they aren’t Loving you. These behaviors don’t add to your life, they limit it. Only submit to something that improves your life! Submit to wisdom, kindness and service not to an abuser! Hurting you, dominating you is a red flag. Stay woke. If they use anger and volatile mood swings to get you to comply, they don’t even understand Love. These traits are simply not Loving. They may signal a personality disorder and you need to invite someone you trust to help you sort it out.

Character is not Required for Love

LIE: You’ve heard it, nice guys/girls finish last. It is one of the most told lies about Love and relationship. The story goes that finding a good heart isn’t as much fun as finding a complex and dare I say dark one. So many times the good guy gets ditched for the Rebel Without a Cause. We see some some bold moves done in the name of Love: cheating on a partner, sabotaging other relationships and breaking promises like they are a paper chain. The moral of this message is that whatever we do in the name of Love is fair game.

TRUTH: ICK!! When we don’t call out this lie we risk abuse, brokenness and confusion at the hands of the one we Love. Teach yourself and those you Love that people endure abuse when they don’t understand it can come from the people they Love. A person who has no character can’t be relied on to show it when you need it most. If they are willing to cheat to win you, they will cheat on you. If they will sabotage others to get what they want, they will sabotage you too. People who treat people badly, will treat you badly. Love can only win when the one we build a life with has character backing up the claim. Character is the new sexy.

You Aren’t Complete Without a Relationship.

LIE: You need someone to “complete you”, thank you Tom Cruise. If you want to be happy, you will do whatever it takes to be in Love. You will change your body, your interests and your personality to find a partner to make life worth living. Girls Night, Guys Nights are just another way to meet people, talk about near misses or complain about exes. There is no real connection for you until you find the “ONE”.

TRUTH: You are just fine as a party of one. You can pursue your interests and use your abilities to create a life that fulfills you! You will never have the option to completely pursue your dreams and passions like you can when you are single. Is Love wonderful, absolutely! But is it the only way to have a life you Love? Absolutely not. We assume people get this, but then ask them if they are dating anyone or if anyone is in the sight line. Popular culture feeds this, but so do we. It is only in the single years that we can even prepare for a Life of Love, rather its intimate or platonic. Let’s commit to starve this crippling idea! Being single as an equal and beautiful option for a full life!

Staying in Love is Easy

LIE: When the music fades and the lights go out, the couple gets the fairy tale ending. We call it the ‘Happily Ever After’. In our music words like forever and always are as abundant as the notes in the melody. Every once and a while you have the credits role and you get a glimpse of the couple living life in a perfect haze. Why do we Love those glimpses so much? Why does it deflate us when we don’t get a glimpse of the ‘forever’ we invested 90 minutes of our life in? When all we get it the declaration of Love and no proof? Simple, we want to believe that it will all work out. It’s written in our DNA, our Love desires permanence.

TRUTH: Real Love isn’t an exact science. It can’t have a happy ending because the story never ends. It’s a cliche but it’s true. In the flesh and blood world, the scenes aren’t scripted and people are not one dimensional. There are alternate endings and options that put Love in jeopardy thousands of ways. One of the most dangerous lies about Love and relationship is that once you find a match, your life and your Love will all fall together. If that were true every wedding you ever attended would have a happy ending. Most people stand at the altar prepared for a future but many do not understand what that will take. We need to know what our partner believes about the struggle ahead. Real Love is worth our blood sweat and tears. If we don’t prepare for it, we may not get the ending we are hoping for.

Lies We Can Do Battle With Lies and Avoid the Damage they Cause.

If these are the lies about Love and Relationship that are taking us down, how do we defend ourselves and prepare others to do battle with them? First, we need to be able to spot them. If we don’t call them out they have the chance to make a home in our belief system about Love. They can even color our approach and limit us in finding what is real. Then we need to speak truth to them. If we feel anxiety that we have to do the perfect thing we are less likely to make good choices. Speak truth to these lies. Remind yourself that you are whole and Love is not a spell. You are not in peril of missing your one shot. Speak truth as you feel the discomfort rise.

WorththeWar Needs You

We are confronting these are other lies the culture is selling us. We hope to provide resources, hope and support for the healing, those relearning Love because the Modern version has left them wounded and for the generations who will follow us. Please consider subscribing to this blog, You Tube and all the social media outlets I am building a community in. As our numbers grow, so will our influence. If you think Love is worth fighting for we truly need you! We are just beginning and you can be a big part of the work to spare hearts! Please check out our article on Modern Love versus Real Love and let us know if you are in!