There are important topics, some are foundational to all others; one such topic is Love. What if our culture’s supposedly modern advances have not improved upon Love? Are we getting Love all wrong? I was honored to sit and speak with one of Instagram’s most influential voices in the Christian Marriage arena, Dauren from Knot Easily Broken. Dauren connected the dots for me on a characteristic of Love and relationship, and I am excited to share it with you!

Critically, Dauren agrees with the primary focus of WorththeWar that Love, defined as a feeling or emotion, leaves us vulnerable to people who would use that power to trap us in unhealthy relationships. If we lean on ideas of Love where we have no control or choice, we are setting ourselves up for heartbreak that damages far too many lives. Undoubtedly, the IPV (Intimate Partner Violence) statistics challenge us to do better.

Love As A Weapon

We need to learn to recognize a tactic often used by dark hearts. It is common for abusers to threaten us that we will never find Love with anyone else. Sadly, we don’t see that they spoon-fed us the idea that our Love was magical in the first place. Then they love-bomb, dream-tie, and isolate us. As effective as abusive people are, they aren’t very creative. When we grasp that emotions and feelings don’t make a solid foundation for Love, we ask, then what will? Will leaning on our emotions force us to admit we are getting Love all wrong?

What would happen if we accept the nature of Love as a verb? Specifically, the only reliable way to build a strong Love is to consider the feelings as adornment but actions, choices, and commitments as the central aspects of Love. So what is new? This is the same message we strive to share daily across the culture. Our goal is to bring new and healthier ideas to the table of Love and relationship- the difference was Daurens’ brilliant connection to transactional Love. Marriage.com says that transactional Love treats Love like a business deal. Of course, there are expectations, but here they are the benchmark for the union’s success or failure.

The Cradle Of Transactional Love

Transactional Love is the version we see on the screens of our lives. We are surrounded by ideas of Love that leave us vulnerable. You find them in Movies, songs, books, and social media ideals. What are you getting out of your relationship? Do they meet your criteria? Can they offer what you need? Do they make the grade? After all, partners are replaceable.

Dauren’s connection was fresh and made sense of many survivors’ stories. If we base our relationships on feelings and appetites, we end up with a love that requires an accounting sheet. Many of us have been in these relationships. Every effort is tabulated and pulled back when we misstep or miss a chance to feed the beast. What we would like to see as freely giving of ourselves we have replaced with an obligation to keep the union viable. We are now enslaved. Here we see the connection between emotional and transactional Love.

Love As A Dopamine Hit

The question arises: Are we getting Love all wrong? Culturally speaking, we aren’t seeking a companion; we seek someone who can keep the dopamine coming. Feelings demand to be fed. We all know humans reach times and seasons where we can’t pour out, even if we wanted to. Life happens, and sometimes we are sick, broken, exhausted, and can’t keep our end of the balance sheet full. This is the nightmare of transactional Love. It only works when you are not human. It’s excellent in a screenplay or a 3-minute song that lacks longevity. But it will always reach its breaking point in a world of broken humans with limited resources.

We Need Love That Sees Us

I would ask those in these transactional relationships, do you feel seen? Do your words and feeling matter? Or, is your Love a pit stop to organizing the events and material treasures that make life worth living? We all want Love. When it’s transactional, Love is nothing more than a means to an end. We ignore our greatest need if we lean on Love rooted in feelings and feed it nothing more than surface appreciation. Eventually, our need to be loved independently of what we offer. Our need for authenticity will be rising like a whispered request. The real problem is there is no way to meet deep needs in the transactional paradigm. There is no mindset of pouring out of a sacrificial desire to see someone else flourish. It is a limited contract that doesn’t leave room for the human condition.

When We Get Love All Wrong

There is a hole in the consciousness of Transactional Love. It leaves us at its mercy when we cannot meet demand. At first, it seems the better version. But, quickly, it reduces us to a commodity, and humans can’t live like that indefinitely. After all, there will always be other people who can keep the coffers full. So, what is the answer? Are we getting Love all wrong? I would offer it depends on rather you draw the line as Dauren did, between Love being a feeling that captures us and brings us to a connection that does the same- or if it’s a choice we make to find a compatible partner. Finding Love inspired to pour out and see the other in grace and wholeness is the only path to reciprocity that is not rooted in our production value but in our decision to Love and keep Loving.

Connecting The Dots

Understanding this connection between emotionally based Love and transactional relationships helps us shoot for what is different from the dialogue surrounding us. We can avoid building relationships on sinking sand and intentionally choose what is best for the “We.” Instead, we can find a hand to hold when life gets hard and a partner to build Love that can withstand the bumps.

Learning To Get Love Right

Thanks, Dauren, for connecting the dots for us. There is hope for sparing hearts where we find the lies that make them vulnerable. Together we will Love Well or Not at All. For further reading on considering cultural impacts on Love and relationship, check out What Is Modern Love? as it is a cornerstone concept of WorththeWar.