Don’t believe the hype; avoiding abusers can be a difficult and complex task, but here are some general tips that may help:

Trust your instincts: If you feel uncomfortable or unsafe around someone, trust your gut and immediately remove yourself. We need to relearn the quiet voice that reads people better than the people-pleasing facade we created to keep the peace. Parents raise children to keep quiet, be kind to everyone and believe the best in others. These are not bad character traits, but let’s be honest, they won’t help us find the dark hearts who would rather abuse us than Love us. Let’s shape how we look at new people with an understanding that avoiding abusers requires seeing things we trained ourselves not to see.

We should ask ourselves what we think of people from a young age. Our next question should be, why? We can wake up our awareness by reading behavior and body language. We should do this before we adopt beliefs that come from other people. Parents have a superpower they could teach their children but rarely do. Maybe it’s been decades since you consulted the intuitive parts of yourself, but it’s time to get reacquainted. Let’s relearn how we notice if they show signs of authentic interest or are just playing the part. Sorting out reality from what we are wishing for is a lifelong journey.

Boundaries Are Challenges To Abusers

Set boundaries: Be clear and assertive about your boundaries with others. Don’t be afraid to say “no” when uncomfortable or pressured. We need to put our people-pleasing days behind us. Keeping the peace and playing nice is good in short transactions . But they won’t help you find a compatible partner to build a life with. We hear a lot about hooking up, but most people hope to find someone they can trust. They want to find someone to count on. That knowledge is the open door for an abuser. They know most of us are hoping for Real Love. It’s easy to craft a custom-made future that is the stuff of fairytales. Future faking is a highly effective tool for a dark heart.

The fastest way to uncover a faked future is to set boundaries around the things that mean something to you. Here is where watching and not listening becomes your best friend. The simplest of abusers will meet boundaries with annoyance and disdain. They may even see them as a challenge. Avoiding these abusers is easier than most.

Skilled or experienced abusers have a smoother response, but you can learn to spot it quickly. They say all the right things, affirm your boundaries, and sweet talk you out of your apprehension in setting them. But then they wait. . The words are smooth, and the testing is smoother. They find ways to press in on the line and feign ignorance about what you wanted or say you weren’t clear about what you needed. Boundaries will highlight the true intentions of a partner-good or bad.

Peer Groups As Alarms Of Abuse

Surround yourself with supportive people: Spend time with people who respect and listen to you when you discuss concerns. We are stronger with healthy connections. Abusers have some predictable tactics. We can count on them to isolate a target and spoon-feed the reality that suits the end goal. They feed on complete dependence and our fear of losing the future they paint for us.

If we have a strong circle that knows and cares for us, we can invite them to be objective about our relationship. If they know our goals and dreams, they can see when a new relationship is submarining them. The key here is that before they have you isolated, you welcome the wisdom of these people . You invite them to be comfortable telling you the truth. They have shown themselves to be on your side; trust them before you trust a new voice. Often, there will be a turn early in the relationship when they will all be painted as enemies by the abuser. That is why it’s so important we move before them and ask for input. When we cultivate a strong circle around us, and they help us remember what we deserve, it can be foundational in avoiding abusers. Be clear about what you want so they can be there when someone tries to make you forget.

Believe Abuse Survivors

Limit contact with known abusers: If someone has a history of abusive behavior, limit or avoid contact with them if possible. I am not advocating we judge everyone and label them abusers but survivors have little incentive to lie. They are often wounded and lose friends or family and are not believed. Over 90% of court cases fail to find abusers guilty. There is a reason for that, abuse is quiet for most people. Sure, some abusers are public and in our faces, but that is not the majority. Most move under cover of reputation and respect as they pull a vulnerable heart to shreds under threat and darkness.

If you have listened to survivors, you learn abuse happens in a crowded room. They use threats, dark looks, and later punishments. It is sadly not rare to hear people believe abusers over victims. How can that happen? Easy, they crafted the beautiful beginning, the promises, and the love bombing were in public so the crashing down can be private. No one believes someone so amazing is capable of abuse. Surround yourself with people who know you and trust your words. Ensure they know what you want so they can be there when someone tries to make you forget.

Abuse Education Spares Hearts

Educate yourself: Learn about the signs of abusive behavior so that you can recognize it and take steps to protect yourself. Here is a good starting point to recognize IPV(Intimate Partner Violence) We need to look for jealous behavior, aggressive or veiled threats, isolation, minimizing feelings, mocking partners, coercion, and other traits. Here is a great resource that covers these and more, as well as statistics and vulnerabilities.

Many great programs will help us identify and get out of these situations, but most know that education must come first to help us avoid abuse. The misconception is that victims will leave when they know they are abused. That shows a lack of understanding of abuse. By the time other people know, it’s often deeply engrained in the victim that they deserve it, that no one else loves them, and that they can’t survive without the abuser. Trying to apply clear thinking to someone indoctrinated in mental, emotional, and often financial abuse shows our lack of understanding of the dark genius of abusers. This reveals the urgent need to teach the concept of avoiding abusers in the early years.

Getting Help Sooner Than Later

Seek help if you need it: If you are being abused or have been abused, seek help from a trusted friend or family member, a therapist, or a support group. There is no more dangerous time to get out than when the abuse has been ongoing for many years undercover. According to the US Justice Department, a victim is 70 times more likely to be murdered by an abuser in the two weeks following. This means we must leave with support and look for safe places for victims and their children. If you are in the US, 800-799-7233 is the National Domestic Hotline. They will help you get the support you need to leave safely.

Preparing people before encountering abusive partners is our best bet to avoid the damage they cause to hearts, bodies, and minds. Avoiding abusers is the goal, and the wisdom of survivors inspires us to work every day to get ahead of what we all know is the worst kind of abuse, abuse that comes from the hands of those who were supposed to Love us well.

When It Happens To Someone You Love

It can be confusing if you have a friend you suspect experienced abuse. We often don’t know how to respond and make some mistakes along the way. I wrote an article to help navigate these difficult situations gracefully and carefully. Most survivors want to feel normal as they heal. They want us to treat them like they always were. Sometimes they want to speak, but often the words come late in the healing process. I hope this will help and we can all increase our knowledge of recognizing and avoiding abusers while being a safe place for those caught in their nets. That is why WorththeWar exists, and I hope you will join us here and on our numerous social outlets.

Let’s Love Well or Not at All.