Consent is not a moment in time. It is not an answer to a question. Consent is a lifestyle. We either manage our consent or give people access to our lives in ways we may regret. I talked with Sharon Land, a trauma specialized holistic psychotherapist, who illuminated ways we define and teach consent. The video link to that discussion is below. The implications of consent are much bigger than I realized. Subsequently, I followed up our discussion with a journey looking deeper at ways we breathe and walk out consent to stay whole and healthy.

Lessons In Agreement and Consent

Children are born with feelings and quickly develop opinions. In my parenting season, we were taught a parent’s goal was to shape a child’s heart. There is a grain of truth that a parent’s job is to teach, guide, and protect. But to shape implies an involuntary morphing of who and what someone is. If a child is likened to clay, a parent is creating a shape for the child. Humans must be given the freedom to choose who they are and want to be. If a parent confuses guiding with shaping, there will likely be problems down the road in the area of consent and agreement.

We want our children to know when they are comfortable. We want them to feel and sense when they are in danger. If our job is to help them develop these skills, we will never accomplish it by telling them what they feel or what they think. Consent is rooted in self-knowledge and clarity of will. As parents, we need to start at a young age, preparing them to know both.

Giving Permission Intentionally

What is a lifestyle of consent? Sounds a little idealistic, but it’s actually quite practical. Every choice we make either confirm the direction we want to go, or takes us in another direction. For example, we offer to help someone move. That is either because we want to support someone we care about, or we feel obligated to do what is expected of us. There are of course other motivations but you get the idea. We live a lifestyle of consent when we know what we are doing and why. We choose to live a life accomplishing the goals that matter to us instead of dancing for other people.

Food As Early Training Ground for Assent

Sharon uses the example of a child asking for broccoli for dinner. When dinner comes, the child doesn’t want it all. It seems simple enough. Simple exchanges like this can be fertile ground to teach a child both consent and consequence. Forcing them to eat something they don’t want, either because they asked for it or it’s there, will not teach them about consent. In fact, it will teach them they can’t change their mind or feel differently as time passes.

Freedom of Dissent

The ability to change your mind, change your path is central to human consent and freedom. We need to empower children, and ourselves, to exercise this freedom in the name of peace and safety. It is often the fear of disappointing people or partners that gets us into serious trouble. If we don’t teach our kids that giving someone what they want at the cost of who they are is never a gift for either.

Consent and Consequence

Parents have the tough job of teaching kids both consent and consequence. Teaching them freedom of will but not creating an entitled child. There are ways to do both, let them change their minds, make requests, and let the time and/or financial consequences fall upon them. If they don’t want broccoli, that is fine, but they can make an alternative, clean it up, etc. If you only serve sweets if vegetables are eaten, that is a good motivation to be more flexible or understand how choices have consequences.

A child who understands what good losses are can decide what they want and calculate the cost. A parent has a big job but done right, they will raise a child who knows themselves, knows what they want and don’t want, and even more, they will be able to foresee the consequences. They will most of all be willing to bear the cost of choices made and not force others to pay the price.

Relationships and Consent

When it comes to friendships or intimate partner relationships, we all need to understand the concept of good losses. The consequences of saying “no” may be the end of some relationships. That is my definition of a good loss because the relationship was clearly not healthy. If you are expendable because you don’t meet someone’s expectations or needs, that is not a connection you want to keep.

Sex and Consent

When we hear the word consent, we often think of it in terms of sexual intimacy or even sexual abuse. If we don’t understand consent before we need it for sexual decision making, we are probably too late! The truth is, by the time we, or our children, are making these kinds of choices, we need a bigger view of consent. It is so much more than an answer or giving permission. Consent is only as clear as we make it. We need to practice consent. We can learn what it feels like to have people respect it, blow past it and learn how to respond. If we are alone or compromised, if we think we can’t live without a relationship or a person…we are not in a good place to understand or exercise proper consent or grant permission to them.

Shape Magazine gives a few simple guidelines. Consent should be:

• granted prior to something taking place
• ongoing
• can be withdrawn at any time
• granted in the absence of any kind of pressure or coercion

Starting at young ages, we can enable our little ones to make choices. To notice what the consequences might be. Teach them that some responses reveal when people only want us in their lives if we agree or feed a need they have. Giving them that insight will protect them from people they would be safer and happier without. Consent is a way of living, of breathing choice and direction into our steps. Teaching that consent in a lifestyle to our children will help them avoid people and situations they may carry with them in unhealthy ways.

Consent is a Gift We Give Ourselves and Our Children

Once we understand that consent is not only about sex, not just about saying “Yes, or No,” but rather, consent is the way we live. We get to make choices and decide how we will live our lives, prepared and responsible for both the consequences and the losses. Let’s raise children who know themselves. Children who know when they want to pour out for others and when they don’t. The issues and consequences wrapped up in consent stretch wide, but comprehension is doable with a parent’s intentionality and consistency.

WorththeWar Preparing and Sparing Hearts

A related topic we have covered here at WorththeWar is Teaching Our Kids About Bullying If our children understand their worth and the power of consent, they are much less likely to fall into the hands of abuse of all kinds.

Below is the video with Sharonjean Land. Her information is in the video description, so you can reach her should you have questions or an interest in her services. Sharon is a trauma certified psychotherapist with great ideas on healing and living a healthy life.

Thanks for taking the time to learn about the importance of consent as a lifestyle for our children and us. I hope you will join us by following this website and our YouTube Community or Ig, Fb, and Twitter! Let’s stay determined to make a difference for the hearts that follow us! I hope you will join us!