When I look at how we form relationships in modern culture (aka Modern Love), I can’t help, but wonder is dating helping or hurting our relationships?  One sure way to take the pulse of a society is to look at its’ mental health. We are all affected by our relationships, none more than our primary or intimate ones.  If dating was helping us, we should see a mentally healthy dating population. We see the exact opposite.  We have high, and rising rates of depression, an increasing sense of isolation. Teens are killing themselves at higher rates. More than half of our legally committed relationships end in divorce.  How did we get here? 

Throughout human history, the main reason couples were formed was for money, power, and procreation. We often think of Love as the driver, but we’d be wrong. Practicality ruled the day. Listen to Shakespeare, read the story of Jacob and Rachel in the Old Testament, read the Iliad. Love and attraction were not non-existent; they were not the basis of the relationship. Liking the person you married was not expected or required. Around the 19th century, we started to value compatibility in Love.  It was a step up from treating women as property, but they still had no real voice in their lives. There is no way to glamorize the practices of the past. We shouldn’t try to answer; rather, dating helps or hurts us in relationships until we unfold how we got here. 

What is the History of Dating?

 The word ‘dating’ comes from the act of writing a date on the calendar. As you can imagine, that didn’t take a lot of critical thinking. We didn’t put much more thought into dating itself. Dating as a practice is not much more than 100 years old. In historical terms, it could still be called an experiment. That means that we traded in practical compatibility and security for entertainment, attraction, and pleasure. We emerged from the 1920’s itching to untie the strings attached to relationships. Moving from chaperones to one on one meetings took less than 30 years to accomplish.  Love became free in the ’60s, and the stigma of uncommitted sex became a thing of the past for many. The older generations watched in fear as all the guardrails were taken off the courtship process.

When you look at the fast track of the cultural change in Love and relationship, it raises more questions. Why we made the changes we did? Did we fix some problems only to create more? Do we ever stop and consider how much power we have to change it? Do we ask, “Does dating help us or hurt us in our relationships?” Look around; we have a hook-up culture replete with unwanted pregnancies, STD’s, and confused expectations. Studies show us a dismal view of the state of our dating population. Broken hearts take a toll on a culture. We all pay the price for lack of trust and character in productivity, mental health, and life satisfaction. Listen to music, watch movies. This Modern Love Culture is losing its’ faith in finding a heart capable of real Love, much less one who is open to it.

Was Courtship Any Better?

So, I will not advocate the arranged marriages and business deals approach. You can lay your fears aside. Some good things have come in the past 100 years. I don’t think comparing bank statements to assure a woman is a good prospect is ideal.  Freedom is an integral part of our culture and the reason we can live such productive lives. We do not live in a theocracy, and legislating morals is not the goal either. So, where do we go from here? We desire the freedom to choose a life partner and on our own terms and according to our own world view. But I have to ask, have we tossed the baby with the bathwater? We can’t answer the question of rather dating is helping or hurting or relationships if we don’t consider what we have lost in our approach to dating.

Does it appear we left common sense behind when we made the shift to dating?  Do we really need to toss out compatibility to make dating enjoyable?  Did we need to remove all the protection for men and women? Common sense belongs in Love and relationship. You need to know what you want and where you are going to be able to find it. Finding a healthy match takes wisdom and patience.  A good relationship takes intentional thought and time to develop. Dating today is focused on having a great time and hooking up. The problem is many people do not feel as casual about it as the process requires. Some do engage, and that leaves broken hearts and frustrations. Rushing the process or confusing it with sex too soon complicates the journey.

Can We Date and Protect Hearts?

There is no reason you can’t choose the person you want to love and still protect your heart. You can truly enjoy the process of finding a life partner without leaving pieces on the road. Don’t give every person you spend time with an all-access pass to your life, body, or future. Be intentional and weed out people with different motives and goals. Leave it at a place that you will learn from but not hurt from. You can enjoy the freedoms of Modern Culture without suffering in the wreckage of Modern Love. You are the driver, and you get to decide the road you will take.

So, back to the original question: “Is dating helping or hurting our relationships?” I believe the answer is both. It completely depends on the approach you take. If you throw caution to the wind and hope it will all work out, it will probably leave a scar. If you learn some new ways to date and keep your heart whole in the process, you should find a healthy match without losing yourself on the journey.

Please Join Us as We Support Healthy Love & Relationships!

Finally, there are so many aspects of Love and relationship we will cover here at WorththeWar, and all will be focused on helping us to forge a more common sense and healthy path to finding real Love. We don’t believe you have to choose between finding a partner and having a whole heart. Trial and error may not be the best way to find them, however. If we spend years practicing giving up and moving on, it’s hard to change gears when we want to. If you want to learn about what we see as the fallout of cultural influence on Love, check out our article https://worththewar.com/trading-in-modern-love-for-the-real-kind/. We can approach Love and Relationship in a new way, but we can’t help others alone! Please Join Us! Follow us on Social Media and engage so we can get to know you! Let’s make a difference!

I also recommend What Makes a Dating Relationship Healthy for Young People? by Break the Cycle. An in-depth journey into boundaries and why we all need them in dating and in life!

Love Well or Not at All!