We all lose relationships along the road of life, but the question is, what kind of losses are they? When is learning to close doors a skill we need? Let’s consider what it means to appreciate good losses. This one truth may be the key that unlocks healthier connections.
Are you ever grateful for the people who have left your life? If we constantly change, why assume people in our circle should be static? Why would we want them to be? Ultimately, we only learn the power in good losses if we notice an essential piece of relationship wisdom.

Reading The Signs

We can confuse the practice of weeding our circle as cutthroat or cruel. Conversely, we may need the tools to know what makes a heart a keeper. The problem with believing in kindness and grace is that it prevents us from being left with nothing left to share. When we spend our lives with people who suck us dry, we are on a hamster wheel of people-pleasing that will toss us aside: we chase approval and security at the expense of time and authenticity. Indeed, learning to close doors can cut these seasons short and allow us to walk in our strengths!

Sadly, we often don’t find the strength to make the necessary changes until they threaten our lives. Sometimes this is in terms of mental health; our well-being is threatened. My battle with depression taught me that what we don’t change willingly is changed for us when our resources run dry. When the time arrives, we can choose to do it well, or the damage leaves jagged edges-problems we will need to fix down the road. It is hard to recover when we toss our lives to the sidelines to survive, but we will likely be broken if we skip learning to close doors.

Many of us missed learning the skill of recognizing toxic people before we spent years investing in chaos-years trying to please people who are determined never to be pleased. This great article helps us see toxic traits in others and ourselves!

Are we ready to see these things and make the changes required?

Toxic Traits To Close Door On

• manipulation
• never takes responsibility
• dishonesty
• drama/attention-seeking
• don’t care/listen
• gaslighting
• gossip focused

Here is an excellent article by Healthline that goes more in-depth on toxic traits in relationships.

Once we know we have a choice, we decide if the relationship is salvageable. Are the toxic traits central to who they are? Do they express a desire to change and back it up with action? We can hold our imperfections with humility and see clearly that a relationship is taking us places we don’t want to go. It isn’t about pointing fingers. It looks at what is and concludes that the relationship will never work. The best way to determine if it’s worth fighting for is to examine the history. How did they handle the past? Did they meet you halfway or leave you hanging? Can they see and hear you? Do they have a history of healthy relationships? Do they have long-term relationships at all? Healthy conflict should build a bridge, not close a door.

Once you know, the truth crystallizes before you. If there is no clear way back to a healthy relationship, we understand the only path open to us. Learning to close doors may be the only choice left, and it’s OK. You weren’t prepared for it.

Moving On With Grace

Once we know, it’s time to go. In addition, don’t underestimate the mourning you may feel. When you want to Love others, pour out, and help people thrive, letting them go can sting. We are not better, not superior, or judgemental. We are just trying to live a life that makes sense of our purpose and manages our pain. Weeding our circle has a holier-than-thou tone, but that is not what it is. Learning to close doors is a survival tactic.

There are a few ways to move on. Some people won’t feel the same about us as we do about them. We can stop making efforts, and they will likely fade into the background with no real effort to keep the ties. That is the easy one. Often in toxic relationships, the person who is the giver, the one who sees pouring out as the path of life, is a significant fuel source for the unhealthy. In that case, there is no easy exit or fade. The best you can do is be straight. “My life is not where I can grow and be healthy in this relationship. I need to make some changes. I appreciate the things we have shared, but I need to make a shift that requires me to put my energy in other places.”

Closing The Doors

In reality, even if you speak the truth, if you tell them, it’s not about them; it’s about you-which ultimately is true. You are making changes to heal and grow. They are unlikely to receive your decision well. After all-they are toxic, and understanding is probably not their strong suit. Remember, you have decided to close the door for good reasons. Prepare for that. Be sure this is the right path, and begin shoring up for any barbs, attacks, or triangulations that may result. Anyone who takes their tainted word for it, especially those who know you, is a good loss.

Life is always teaching us. Look for the common denominator when we hear about entire friend groups who turn their back on people-we can ask: is there a toxic person who creates a team mentality? If so, let them go. It’s better to start over than stay with friends who are fed what to believe. That doesn’t mean it’s easy, just better! The people who care about the truth, who see who you are, will remain. When it all settles, you will see much more clearly. Don’t lose the talent of learning to close doors; once you understand its power, you will want to keep the option open!

Finding Peace On The Other Side Of The Door

Once you do the hard work of moving on, you will see the transition as a chance to see where people land. Work on your practices in life that bring you peace, whether prayer, meditation, or exercise. Together with those habits, you will begin healing. There will be new doors down the hall, doors of opportunity, friends, and fun. The hard lessons learned will guide you to know which ones to open and which to keep walking past. Never confuse being open-hearted with accepting the unacceptable!

Not all relationships are easy to exit. If you are in family relationships or a workplace, there are ways you can survive when toxic people have to remain in your circle. Here is an article that may give you some practical ways to manage that! We can’t be active until we see reality for what it is. When you survive the first round of clearing out toxicity from your life, you can e it as a maintenance process. It is like a muscle; It’s never as hard as the first time. Keep your eyes clear and your thinking straight. Peace awaits you.

Don’t Slam Every Door

We don’t need to make irrevocable decisions when the time comes to learn to close doors. I believe we humans do have the capacity for change. Change must come from inside, and it is usually only grasped when something means enough to us to make it happen. We can wish it in others and hope for it, but we cannot force it on anyone. I won’t lie; I wish I could sometimes, but it never ends well. When I am able, I leave a crack open. Just because we have to close a door doesn’t mean we don’t Love. Hope is part of this journey, also. But we can’t leave ourselves in the crossfire of someone’s war with themselves.

Sparing Hearts-One At A Time

Thanks for joining me here as we Spare Hearts by ReThinking our definitions and practices of Love & relationship! Every transformational movement started with a few convicted people. We are growing every day and making shifts in this cultural monolith. I hope you will join me here and on the other platforms where we share resources! You will find links in the icons above! Let’s Love Well or Not at All.