Have you ever thought so much your head hurts? When you listen to all the lies about Love and relationships that reach us daily, it all starts to pile up. My head has been pounding for a week. The term Modern Love sounds so evolved and fresh on the surface. But peeling off the wrapping is poison for anyone who wants to build a Real Love! If you absorb it, it will take you in the opposite direction. Fortunately, like any poison, you can thrive if you have the anecdote. I am offering that anecdote today.

When we dissect the lies about love and relationships, we can reduce them quickly into a few subject areas. Once we can identify them, we can do what works with all lies: douse them with truth, and they will scatter. This article will be less than poetic, but what it lacks in beauty will make up for in practicality. It’s for those relearning Love or learning how to Love for the first time. For those healing from abuse or teaching children what Love can be. Let’s dig into Lies about Love and relationship.

Fairy Tales Live on Paper

LIE: The images and storylines we absorb paint a picture of Love as a magic spell. It finds you, shapes you, and puts color in your life. It is not under your control, but rather, it controls you. Love at first sight is not classified as an attraction but as Real Love. You are a pawn in the game of Love. If you don’t play your part, you will lose your only chance. To add insult to injury, sex is hailed as a make-or-break component of Love. If the sex isn’t off the charts, they may not be the one for you.

TRUTH: Love isn’t a spell; it’s a choice. The attraction has a will of its own, but you can guide it by feeding it or starving it. Love doesn’t control you. It does not exist without free will. It’s not a game; you can choose who and how you will Love. It does add beauty to your life, but only when it’s healthy and protected. You have no reason to worry about missing it, or it’s vanishing. There will be opportunities for Love if there are good hearts and compatible mindsets. Sex is a beautiful expression of Love, but it’s also a skill you can learn and practice. If you Love someone, you can find beautiful ways to show them.

Danger in Love isn’t Sexy

LIE If there is a lie about Love I could tattoo on the hearts of every 13-year-old, this would be it. Stalking to prove Love, controlling your world to keep you close, and dominating you is not healthy. So many popular messages speak of making people bend to their will, even when pursuing a heart. Volatile and erratic behavior is portrayed as exciting and an adventure. Sexual pain is touted as pleasure, and the lines of how to proceed without getting into legal trouble are blurred.

TRUTH: The fix here is a line in the sand that can’t be crossed. We all want to be loved by someone strong, but we won’t use that strength to cause pain. If you are being hurt, make no excuses for them. When someone is controlling and shrinking your world, they aren’t Loving you. If they stalk or are obsessed with you, they aren’t Loving you. These behaviors don’t add to your life, and they limit it. Only submit to something that improves your life! Submit to wisdom, kindness, and service, not to an abuser! Hurting you and dominating you is a red flag. Stay woke. If they use anger and volatile mood swings to get you to comply, they don’t even understand Love. These traits are simply not Loving. They may signal a personality disorder, and you need to invite someone you trust to help you sort it out.

Character is not Required for Love

LIE: You’ve heard it: nice guys/girls finish last. It is one of the most told lies about Love and relationships. The story goes that finding a good heart isn’t as much fun as finding a complex and, dare I say, dark one. So many times, the good guy gets ditched for the Rebel Without a Cause. We see some bold moves done in the name of Love: cheating on a partner, sabotaging other relationships, and breaking promises like a paper chain. The moral of this message is that whatever we do in the name of Love is fair game.

TRUTH: ICK!! When we don’t call out this lie, we risk abuse, brokenness, and confusion at the hands of the one we Love. Teach yourself and those you Love that people endure abuse when they don’t understand it can come from the people they Love. A person with no character can’t be relied on to show it when you need it most. They will cheat on you if they are willing to cheat to win you. If they sabotage others to get what they want, they will sabotage you, too. People who treat people badly will treat you badly. Love can only win when the one builds a life with character backing up the claim. Character is the new sexy.

You Aren’t Complete Without a Relationship.

LIE: You need someone to “complete you.” Thank you, Tom Cruise. If you want to be happy, you will do whatever it takes to be in Love. You will change your body, your interests, and your personality to find a partner to make life worth living. Girls’ and guys’ Nights are just another way to meet people, talk about near misses, or complain about exes. There is no real connection for you until you find the “ONE.”

TRUTH: You are just fine as a party of one. You can pursue your interests and use your abilities to create a fulfilling life! You will never have the option to completely pursue your dreams and passions like you can when you are single. Love is wonderful! But is it the only way to have a life you Love? Not. We assume people get this, but then we ask them if they are dating anyone or if anyone is on the sight line. Popular culture feeds this, but so do we. Only in the single years can we even prepare for a Life of Love, whether intimate or platonic. Let’s commit to starve this crippling idea! Being single as an equal and beautiful option for a full life!

Staying in Love is Easy

LIE: When the music fades, and the lights go out, the couple gets the fairy tale ending. We call it the ‘Happily Ever After’. In our music, words like forever and always are as abundant as the notes in the melody. Every once in a while, the credits roll, and you get a glimpse of the couple living in a perfect haze. Why do we Love those glimpses so much? Why does it deflate us when we don’t get a glimpse of the ‘forever’ we invested 90 minutes of our lives in? When all we get it the declaration of Love and no proof? Simple, we want to believe that it will all work out. It’s written in our DNA and our Love desires permanence.

TRUTH: Real Love isn’t an exact science. It can’t have a happy ending because the story never ends. It’s a cliche, but it’s true. The scenes aren’t scripted in the flesh and blood world, and people are not one-dimensional. Alternate endings and options put Love in jeopardy in thousands of ways. One of the most dangerous lies about Love and relationships is that once you find a match, your life and Love will all fall together. If that were true, every wedding you have ever attended would have a happy ending. Most people stand at the altar prepared for a future, but many do not understand what that will take. We need to know what our partner believes about the struggle ahead. Real Love is worth our blood, sweat, and tears. If we don’t prepare for it, we may not get the ending we are hoping for.

Lies We Can Do Battle With Lies and Avoid the Damage they Cause.

If these are the lies about Love and Relationships taking us down, how do we defend ourselves and prepare others to battle with them? First, we need to be able to spot them. If we don’t call them out, they can make a home in our belief system about Love. They can even color our approach and limit us in finding what is real. Then, we need to speak the truth to them. If we feel anxiety about doing the perfect thing, we are less likely to make good choices. Speak truth to these lies. Remind yourself that you are whole and Love is not a spell. You are not in peril of missing your one shot. Speak the truth as you feel the discomfort rise.

WorththeWar Needs You

We are confronting these other lies that the culture is selling us. We hope to provide resources, hope, and support for the healing of those who are relearning Love because the Modern version has left them wounded and for the generations who will follow us. Please consider subscribing to this blog, YouTube, and all the social media outlets where I am building a community. As our numbers grow, so will our influence. If you think Love is worth fighting for, we truly need you! We are just beginning, and you can be a big part of the work to spare hearts! Please check out our Modern Love versus Real Love article and let us know if you are in!