Responding To Survivors With Wisdom

Working in abuse prevention, I have a chip on my shoulder for survivors. At least I admit it up front, right? How many times do you see messages that glorify suffering to praise recovery and healing secondarily? My unequivocal answer is far too many. My worldview finds beauty in ashes. I pride myself on seeing the good in hard times, but let’s stop confusing that with abuse being a positive journey. Let’s stop glorifying suffering and replace it with simply admiring the tenacity and steely strength of overcomers- survivors.

The truth is, most of us are survivors of something. Life brings us challenges, and sometimes, they are tougher than we feel equipped to process and respond to. There are copious amounts of suffering on so many levels, and no one escapes it. When it comes to IPV (Intimate Partner Violence) and other forms of abuse, the wound is profound. It comes from what is supposed to be a safe person or place.

Suffering In All Its Forms

There is no shortage of suffering or the perception of life’s hardships. Depending on the person, the same experience can knock people down, while others can’t even feel any effects. This is why it’s so essential we sound a warning as to how we engage with others on the topic.

Making assumptions about how someone feels about a current or past challenge fails to honor them. People process pain differently. What feels like a slipper to you might feel like a boulder on someone else’s foot. If we stop glorifying suffering and start treating it as a part of life, we can focus on the response. We can lift the lessons and remove the spotlight from the dark hearts and suffering. Abusers get enough press already.

Alternatives To Glorifying Pain

Let’s take the time to consider what people in pain need. We should realize focusing on what good may come of it isn’t the fastest route to helping many heal. Sadly, we often don’t take the time to consider what hurting people need. Often, we are focused on what we should be saying! RAINN has a great resource here to help you with simple tips.

We can do something far more helpful than trite sayings about the good that can come out of tough times. Let’s start with listening! Often, the most challenging part of healing is the second wounding. It’s what happens when people doubt or stifle the survivor from sharing their story. Victim blaming is the most damaging version of this. Using active and accepting listening tactics is a balm to the need a survivor has to reconnect with safe people.

Letting Someone Suffer

Instead of rushing the survivor to healing, we can offer a comforting hand. Allowing survivors to sit in the suffering until they are ready to let it scab over is more helpful. There is no quick fix. Conversely, words that pressure them to move on only add insult to injury. They set expectations on someone who has had their dignity shredded. They deserve the right to move at a pace that works for them. It will help restore the choices they were robbed of in abuse. Fake healing isn’t healing.

Give the steering wheel to the survivor. Choosing to stop glorifying suffering and encourage them to take time to process it thoroughly is a massive step toward supporting the survivor well. We must let ourselves be uncomfortable for the greater good- the room for healing amid a struggle.

Age Old Survivors Wisdom

It’s not a new story. When it comes to helping others, we can quiet voices that tell us how others should heal. We can make room for the survivor’s voice. Can we hear them? Are we listening to what is said and left unsaid? Let’s stop glorifying the suffering and intentionally focus on the power and strength earned by overcoming!

We can take back the narrative from the abuser and replace it with an uplifting and healing message. Every survivor deserves to hear, “We are so proud of you!”

If you want to increase your ability to support an IPV survivor, here is another article. It will give you a deeper understanding of the process.

Please join us as we offer resources to Re-think love and cultivate views of relationships that prevent abuse. All the gratitude goes to the survivors who share the journey with us. They give us more than opinions to fuel the movement! You can find us on nearly all social media outlets! Let’s Love Well!