Thriving Amid Narcissistic Groups

Step back a second. Imagine a culture filled with self-focused, fantasy-driven, self-aggrandized, entitled, and paranoid people. Oh, I forgot that they wouldn’t be empathetic, either! You get the idea, whatever we feed, we grow. It forms the trajectory of our culture. More than a few studies point to an increase in narcissism in western culture. Together we will cover practical advice on surviving narcissistic bosses, groups, and cultures.

People can cry “hype” all they want, but we are not increasing our connectedness to each other. Studies echo the problem; we are more isolated than ever. If we want to change, We need to make an empathy shift a priority. In the meantime, let’s focus on how to survive narcissistic groups and cultures.

As our population grows, much of our lives include involvement in groups. Furthermore, If the narcissistic influence grows, we will see its increase in these groups. What can we do to prevent the loss of human qualities like kindness, sacrifice, service, and empathy? The next article will look closely at ways to prevent narcissistic traits in future generations. That is a good long-term solution. But we still need a game plan to survive in the short term.

Identifying Group Narcissism

One thing is sure; we had better get our group wisdom on. In Part One, we covered how to identify narcissistic individuals. But what about the groups we belong to? What do we look for in organizations we are in? How about our jobs? Most of all, how do we survive narcissistic groups and cultures?

In a group, we would identify narcissism by multiplying what we see in the individual narcissist. We should expect to see success come to individuals who take no prisoners. Moreover, we would also expect a lack of interpersonal connection. Elan Golomb, in her book Trapped in the Mirror. describes a foundational aspect of narcissism as a ” failure to achieve intimacy with anyone – as the result of them seeing other people like items in a vending machine, using them to service their own needs, never being able to acknowledge that others might have needs of their own, still less guess what they might be.” In short, we can identify the narcissism level by measuring the community we see in the group, culture, or workplace. Surviving Narcissistic Groups requires recognizing what we are dealing with.

Markers of Cultural Narcissism

You can also gauge the narcissism scale of a group based on the fact that narcissistic traits don’t play well together. One narcissistic person is enough to ramp up dissension and toxicity. Narcissism in groups would foster a culture of paranoia. You would not expect authentic teamwork or a sense of community unless you count a huddled, broken mass. Praise and reward will be thin and given to those willing to feed the ruling narcissistic egos. We would see little to no positive incentive for support persons. Support roles would receive “in-the-moment positives” but long-term invisibility. Surviving Narcissistic Bosses, Groups, and Cultures require us to see the bigger picture.

The Price of Narcissism in Cultures

Don’t you find it interesting we are feeding narcissism while, at the same time, we are suffering under its’ iron hand? We are born wanting connection, both physical and emotional. But, interestingly, many of the same things that feed a narcissistic culture isolate us in the same breath. Pat MacDonald, the author of the paper Narcissism in the Modern World, states it this way:

“Much of our distress comes from a sense of disconnection. We have a narcissistic society where self-promotion and individuality seem to be essential, yet in our hearts, that’s not what we want.”

Pat MacDonald

MacDonald adds We want to be part of a community; we want to be supported when we’re struggling; we want a sense of belonging.”

His final point is worth noting as it flies in the face of all narcissistic influence. MacDonald reminds us, Being extraordinary is not a necessary component of being loved.” Most importantly, deep down, we want to be Loved.

Narcissistic Influences Everywhere

Time spent trying to survive narcissistic Bosses, Groups, and cultures cannot meet the human need to belong authentically. Instead, we find ourselves part of a transaction-based social club, don’t be surprised to find it riddled with narcissistic individuals. You can arm yourself with a Narcissistic tool belt. Surviving and growing in these places is possible, but preparation is vital. All good offense begins with a solid defense. So, narcissistic preparedness includes more than identifying group dynamics and how you can respond to them. Let’s dig into it!

First, don’t be fooled! “It’s easy to be fooled by a narcissist—at least at first, says Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic, the CEO of Hogan Assessment Systems, professor of business psychology at University College London, and a faculty member at Columbia University. “A narcissist comes across as charming, charismatic, and confident,” he says. “He seems like the person you want to work for.”

Lessons Learned From Narcissistic Bosses and Leaders

Remember, most things are not all good or all bad. Certainly, you can learn things from the narcissist boss. “many productive narcissists can teach you a lot,” “Observe how your boss makes impressions on others. Pay attention to his charisma and eloquence under pressure,” says Chamorro-Premuzic. “In addition, narcissists are often good communicators and tend to be quite visionary,” he says. “They can inspire others, and this skill can be emulated.”

 Michael Maccoby, president of The Maccoby Group and more recently, the author of Strategic Intelligence: Conceptual Tools for Leading Change. “There’s a difference between someone who’s an egomaniac and puffed up with self-importance and someone who has a narcissistic personality,”   “the more you understand people, the better your relationships will be.” Narcissists, he says, have a “strong ego ideal—a vision of who they think they should be. Sadly, they are also controlled by the shame of not living up to this ideal.” Let’s dig a little deeper and get practical about what you can expect while Surviving Narcissistic Bosses, Groups, and Cultures.

Working for a Narcissist

Once you know you are working with a narcissistic leader or boss, it’s time to get an ‘on the fly education. After all, power is in the hands of the ones who understand the nature of the battle.

Expect the Following:

• silver tongues but weak follow-through
• theft of your hard work, but you get all the blame
• they need the spotlight and ALL credit
• fluent passive/aggressive communication style
• they don’t have a problem with you being in pain or causing it
• no altruistic interest in you or your success
• they will not worry about moral constraints inwardly, despite proclamations to the contrary
• expect no fairness or equity, and it is a foreign concept to them
• do not assume they will accept any reality but the one they create
• they will command your respect while they give none
• count on their language to change as it fits the current narrative
• any slight criticism will ignite great fury
• there will be a class system, the superior and everyone else
• all alliances will be short-lived
• group culture will include minions who report back to the leader

Survival Based on Understanding

Surviving Narcissistic Bosses, Groups, and Cultures are all about knowledge. Once we understand the beast, all that remains is how to alter normal human behavior to tailor it to a narcissistic paradigm, that is to say, the best way to deal with a narcissist is to feed what they want, respect, praise, and admiration. I am not advocating lying. There are likely to be things that are good in them that you can learn from.

If you understand the list of expectations, there is little they can do that will surprise you. Even if you play nice, you expect them to return it with unreliable emotion-driven responses. Stay on your toes, and you may find a space you can thrive.

Coping with the Narcissist Boss

Being ready for the roller coaster is half the battle. Here are some ways to avoid the ride taking a toll on you:

1. Once you know how important an image is to them, you can feed the beast with little effort. Find what they do well and heap on the praise. Again, I am not suggesting dishonesty, focus change.
2. As a rule, productive narcissistic individuals value loyalty. Be a solid professional teammate.
3. We know paranoia is likely higher in a narcissistic leader; avoid the laser beam of wrath by not participating in office gossip. This is a win/win anyway.
4. Frame negatives like a bomb team. Try to use “we,” “team,” and “growth,” whereas usually, you could use ‘You,” “mistake,” and “correction.” Avoid pointing out their humanness; it is not likely to land well.
5. Similarly, learn their weakness and avoid triggering them.
6. Practice self-care regularly! Yoga, prayer, meditation.
7. Develop a safe place where you can be honest, share the dynamics you deal with, and get outside input. Narcissists are creative and adaptive. You will need clarity. Don’t hesitate to discuss things with a mental health professional if needed.
8. Lastly, It’s important to get good career counseling as well. Figure out if this is a good long-term place. Make sure it’s a place you can find peace and mental stability. A healthy heart will likely struggle if it’s a narcissistic haven. Often it’s best to do your time and move on.

Armed and Ready to Survive

When you have the tool belt, you are ready to survive Narcissistic Bosses, Groups, and Cultures. When you think you can’t handle another day, go back to the list! Keep a journal of what you know and how you intend to proceed. Staying informed and growing your knowledge base of narcissistic traits is a good way to stay sharp. If you fall, you may have slid back into emotional thinking. We need to stop thinking everyone is filled with human qualities; they aren’t. Stay alert, stay awake, and be discerning.

You are armed and ready! As a result, you can deal with the situation you are surrounded by and keep your warm heart! That doesn’t mean we surrender to our culture’s slow ascent of narcissism. We have a choice, and we can swim upstream and illuminate a path that reopens the hope for a world where narcissistic cultures are not the norm, and we can swerve around them with a skill that matches the depth of toxicity we encounter.

JOIN US IN THE FIGHT

Here at WorththeWar, we are committed to sparing hearts. Preparing people for healthy Love and relationship and avoiding abuse. Here is our view of the Modern Cultures’ influence on Love and relationship: Modern Love and Why it Matters. We are building a community to raise our collective voice for culture change in the arena of Love. We hope you will join us!