The sobering truth is that 41% of women and 26% of men experience violence from someone expected to Love them at the hands of an intimate partner(CDC). Consider those numbers the next time you are at a gathering. As humans, we need to understand marching unprepared generation after generation into Love and relationship is a little like throwing darts at a board with a blindfold. Odds are there will be a lot of damage. In light of this, we can’t wring our hands and give up. There is a better option; we can teach survivor’s wisdom to all who will listen. Soaking in and spreading this precious resource can spare hearts, maybe even your own.

Lessons Learned From Survivors

1. It Can Happen To Anyone

Abuse isn’t something that happens to “other people.” On the one hand, some consistent risk factors contribute to IPV (Intimate Partner Violence). But, there is one area we are all made vulnerable-we all have a beating heart. Most humans want connection; we invite others into our world to accomplish that. Together we build hopes and dreams of a future and pour our hearts forward. Consequently, confirmation bias kicks in, so we often fail to notice warning signs.

This is a normal progression, but timing and depth are the IPV vulnerability indicators. We become targets for dark hearts when we abandon critical thought and don’t seek verification. IPV abusers are proficient in using our dreams to hold us in place. While we are picking out china patterns, they increasingly confuse words of Love with acts of manipulation and control.

2. Love As Handcuffs

Let it soak in. IPV can happen to anyone, anytime. It doesn’t care about your education, social status, background, or appearance. In other words, IPV preys on people who want LOVE and need love, which is a large pool. Survivor’s Wisdom warns us that dark hearts rarely look like dark hearts. In fact, they often look like answered prayers.

Love bombing is a buzzword; in IPV’s case, it earns its reputation. When a dark heart narrows its attention, the next step is universal. There is an all-out effort to create a meticulously crafted dream for the victim. Dark hearts will use your deepest desire to ensnare you. Not surprisingly, abusers will push the idea that they are the ONE, the only person who can make your dreams come true. A survivor’s lesson reminds us that what seems ‘Too Good To Be True often is. We have been told since we were young that someone would come and make our life worth living. That is the goal of the abuser. Once you associate the dream with your partner, it holds you in place.

3. Love Isn’t On A Timer

One of the recurrent themes of IPV is the timeline. The relationship is hurried, so commitment becomes the focus. Note that healthy Love grows with experience. The more you go through life together, the more you know and understand each other. Markedly. Dark hearts don’t have that luxury. Not to mention, the Love bombing phase is expensive and exhausting. The longer the wooing takes, the more likely truths will seep and shatter carefully crafted illusions. Dark hearts often push commitment and entanglements in the name of Love. On the contrary, the rush creates the opposite of Love; it begets control.

In other words, the more connections that tie you to a person, the harder it is to extricate yourself when the house of cards falls. The more people who see what an amazing person they are, the farther they cast the net of charm. More people will support the magical pairing. Public gifts and proclamations ensure no one will easily believe they could be physically or emotionally destructive. The more legal and community tethers, the less likely you will toss it all away. Ultimately, the more you have invested, survivor’s wisdom teaches the more control they have over you and the more abuse you will accept.

4. Survivors Reveal The End Game: Isolation

Dark hearts speak of connection and trust while using every resource to isolate you. Listen long enough to the hard-earned wisdom of IPV survivors, and you will learn they felt completely alone. To clarify, Love bombing convinces you that your partner is the only trustworthy human. Dark hearts weave lies that make everyone certain you have found the fairy tale as you wonder why it is gradually becoming a nightmare.

In addition, if there are holdouts who are not convinced. These intuitive people are usually erased and cast out from the inner circle. It’s amazing what we will give up to keep the dream alive, to keep the peace, and to hang on to what we are cunningly convinced we cannot live without.

We Need Survivor’s Wisdom

In the final analysis, the survivor’s wisdom gives us hope. There is a predictable cycle we can learn to identify. In fact, the first step to overcoming any enemy is understanding it. There is very little originality or genius in IPV. We can prepare hearts to see the cycle. The best defense is wisdom in the offense. We learn to move slower and check boundaries on the way.

Dark hearts need control, and boundaries enforced are contrary to what they want. Remember, if you set a boundary, don’t listen to the response but look for the reaction. Give the process time to let the truth rise. If they are all they appear to be, there is no danger in waiting to see what time will bring. Also, you will grow together with time. If it is a facade, it will fall apart at the seams. There are two enemies of contrived realities: time and open eyes.

Also, get to know their long-term relationships; not having any is a big deal, no matter the reasons. Again, let the truth rise. Another bit of wisdom- don’t let anyone come between you and those who have been there for you. Isolation weakens us, and staying connected gives us valuable perspectives for the future.

Survivor’s Lessons Learned Means Hearts Spared

With gratitude, we lift the lessons fueled by survivor’s wisdom. They could have let the process quiet their voices, but instead, we can use these truths to spare hearts. It is a sacrifice that requires immense strength, and I believe they are saving lives with each telling. Most importantly, all the lessons will do us no good if we don’t spread the truth far and wide.

I hope you will join us as we build a community informed and mobilized to illuminate how we are left vulnerable by our views of Love. Here is a great resource that taps into the wisdom of survivors. It’s called Survivor Stories/Safelives and gives us a glimpse of the IPV problem. It must be remembered in our learning, we can share survivor’s wisdom. Resources like this help us support and enable survivors to heal and spare the hearts in our reach.

One gaping hole in this area is how to help the people we Love after IPV events. I humbly offer an article I wrote to help navigate being a friend to a survivor. It’s called How To Support An IPV Surivior. They often deserve much better than they get from the world around them. We are learning together.

I hope. This has been helpful. Please join us in the fight by subscribing here and on our other platforms on the WorththeWar links page! We Are Loving Well or Not at All, but we can’t do it alone!

Thanks, Kimie