As parents, we can slide into a false sense of security. We look at our teens, their friends and we relax, everything looks ok! Phew! Sadly, the statistics do not back up our confidence. We only see the tip of the iceberg known as teen culture. As a result, when we dive deep, the currents can be dangerous. Let’s consider practical ways of teaching teens to understand control issues, showing them how to test relationships and even themselves where control and manipulation are concerned.

33% of adolescents in America are victims of sexual, physical, verbal, or emotional dating abuse

The No More Project

Parents as Teachers of Control

Like everything parents do, we begin teaching teens about healthy relationships by looking in the mirror. If we want them to understand what is unhealthy about controlling and manipulative behaviors, we better understand the kind of relationship we have with them. Specifically, we can start by asking ourselves two critical questions:

1. Do we allow our children to be who they are?

2. How do we respond when they disappoint us?

If we can’t answer these well, how can we expect them to understand healthy relationships? We need to give them the freedom to be themselves and respond to them in ways that confirm they are not required to be the same as us to have our support and Love. Without this kind of acceptance, how will they learn to provide respect and freedom to others? Conversely, why would they expect anything better from other people? We certainly don’t want to be the reason they fall into abusive relationships.

Teaching Control in Relationships

It’s time we start helping teens to identify control in relationships. We can begin in practical places. When life gets bumpy, which it will, how do the people around them react? People with control issues often have out of control reactions. When life doesn’t go the way they want it to, Do they yell? Use physical intimidation? Or even run to substances to give them comfort? When our teens see these behaviors, they need to register as controlling and as warning signs.

We can also help them identify control in tactics like withholding communication, affection, or attention. Teaching teens to understand control issues will ensure they recognize possessive and manipulative people quickly. They are also more likely to reject unhealthy control rather than mistake it for attention or even Love.

Teens Choosing Confidence Over Control

As we introduce our teens to methods of control, they need to grasp why it’s necessary for some. Controlling others is avoidance of how little control we have over ourselves. People attempt to hide insecurity by draining others of their autonomy. We need to raise teens who have a sense of value within themselves, so they don’t need to extract it from others.

When people aren’t sure of their value, they may choose to exert power over others in intimate relationships. It may mimic control over their own lives. Kathy Meyer states it well, “It is human nature to feel a need to control our surroundings and, to some degree, the people we have relationships with. It is that need to control that is, at times, the main factor in the destruction of our relationships ” Insecurity mixed with commitment, promises of love, and sex can blur control and concern. This confusing message convinces the victim that the abuser is not a threat but rather the only person who truly cares for them.

It is human nature to feel a need to control our surroundings and, to some degree, the people we have relationships with. It is that need to control that is, at times, the main factor in the destruction of our relationships. 

kathy Meyer

Teaching Teens to Question Their Own Control Issues

Understandably, it’s always easier to look at others and point out dysfunction, but intentional parents teach children to look within themselves at the same time. We see abuse in every corner of the world but rarely ask ourselves if we have abusive tendencies. Control is one place we can do a lot of harm, and since there are no bruises, often we don’t realize the wreckage we unintentionally cause.

Here are some simple questions that may not always have simple answers. Take time to examine yourself and then share them with your teen. There is no more powerful example of healthy relationships than taking stock of our own mistakes and making things right in front of our children’s eyes. Teaching teens who understand control issues means raising teens who understand themselves.

QUESTION OF CONTROL

Here are some areas to consider:

1. How do you communicate? Are you aggressive when challenged? Do you allow time to listen and try to understand? Do you talk over people? Are you sarcastic or find yourself mocking? Why do you communicate? Are you more interested in making points or understanding and knowledge?
2. Are you consistently critical? Do you try to mold people by expressing how they fail you? Can you accept people who disagree with you? When was the last time you pointed out what someone did well? 
3. Can you be flexible with no notice? Can you hold expectations of doing what you want loosely? How do you respond when everything goes wrong, and it’s someone’s fault?
4. Where is your self-worth rooted? Are you basing your value on the opinions of others? External things? Do you know deep down that if nothing goes right and you lose all you have, you will still be intrinsically precious and valuable?

Teens that Understand the Balance of Control

We should spend our time teaching children how to understand control issues by recognizing when it’s unhealthy. But, we also need to make sure they know that control is also useful. Controlling ourselves is a skill that is crucial in building a flourishing life! Most things in life are all about balance, and control is no different.

Self Control is Rooted in Security

Let’s teach our children the power of self-worth as the driver of being free and independent. They can live without the weight of being responsible for others. There is a balance of power in every relationship. Our teens need to understand the less they need, the healthier they will be. Indeed, the happier they will be! Self-control flowing from a healthy sense of self-worth protects our teens from being manipulated and tempted to manipulate. What a gift we can pass to the next generation.

I hope this article will support you in teaching your teens to understand control issues. If you want to further help prepare your children for healthy Love and relationship, you might like the article Lies About Love and Relationship and it’s also on YouTube.

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