Supporting Survivors

It sounds so simple… to support an IPV(intimate partner violence) survivor. It’s not. If you have an accident or get sick you usually understand what is happening to you. But, loving the one who hurts you makes that impossible. You can’t put the two together and make any kind of sense. Abuse is the only obstacle to your dreams, but it’s also the only path. As a result, you feel responsible, completely confused, and paralyzed.

Adding insult to injury, closing that door feels like trying to turn off Niagra Falls. As a victim, you don’t think it can be done. According to the CDC 1/4 women and 1/10 men will experience IPV, either physical or sexual, with impacts including but not limited to injury, fearfulness, trauma, PTSD, etc.. With numbers like that, it’s time we all master the skills to support an IPV Survivor. We will certainly be connected to more than one. How can we support and even be a friend to someone enduring or healing from IPV?

Understanding the Wounds of IPV

If you have ever asked why an abuse victim doesn’t just leave, you don’t understand IPV. Many of us mistakenly think an abuser is just a bad person who hurts others. In reality, we miss the whole point; many abusers are the answer to the victim’s prayers. They are the perfect match, the soul- mate. We understand this when we fully grasp what grooming does. Abusers use grooming to train a victim to accept the unacceptable. Secrecy is the hallmark of grooming. By nature, it is isolating. It is used to lift you to the highest high, only to drop you to the concrete with no witnesses. IPV is the systematic crushing of your hopes, your dreams, and your self-worth in an all-inclusive package of the one you Love.

IPV Survivors Suffer More Than Broken Hearts

Survivors have to kill the kinds of dreams healthy Love never promises. Reality seems flat when you have been targeted and groomed to accept abuse. Victims have to wrestle with their brain; wanting something so horrible so badly, often never seeing the slow creep of abuse and violence overtaking them. Abusers target both body and soul. How can we support an IPV survivor when we are so blind to what it is? Let’s learn a little.

IPV Statistics Demand Attention

• Worldwide wide 35% of all women are victims of IPV or non-partner sexual violence. Of that number, less than 40% sought the help of any kind. United Nations
• On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States alone. In one year that is more than 10 million people. CDC
• The most common age when intimate partner violence is first experienced by women is age 18-24 (38.6%), followed by age 11-17 (22.4%), age 35-44 (6.8%), and age 45+ (2.5%). For men the most common age is age 18-24 (47.1%), followed by age 25-34 (30.6%), age 11-17 (15.0%), age 35-44 (10.3%) and age 45+ (5.5%)National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey, 2010
• More than 80% of women who experienced rape, stalking, or physical abuse report trauma-related issues. Including PTSD, Depression, and both concurrently. MNADV

Survivors Are Friends

Considering a few of these stats brings the truth home; the pain of a survivor runs deep and they are all around us. No one is saying you need to understand what IPV feels like to be a supportive friend. In fact, one of the first things you can do is admit you have no idea. You can be ignorant of what trauma does to a certain extent and still help someone heal from abuse. Notably, being a friend can provide a safe place to return to whatever semblance of a normal life remains. You don’t need to be a trained counselor to be a good friend.

Being a friend who earns the title means noticing and caring about the people in our lives. Moreover, you need to be able to recognize abuse when you see it and notice the fallout it leaves long after the abuser is gone. We don’t need a degree just eyes and ears. It simply requires we look around us and care about the people around us. There are tell-tale signs you can learn.

Seeing the Signs of IPV

1. Control: They are not asked to do things, they are told. 2. Demeaning: Called names, mocked. 3. Financial: Preventing them from working or micromanaging money for power. 4. Sexual: Forcing sex or sex acts. Abusers often promote that aggressive control is sexy. 5. Social: Dictating time with friends and family. 6. Technological: Power over the use of phone, PC, and communication. 7. Physical: Injuring, holding, pushing, strangling. choking, exposing to danger. You can learn more from this great article from ABC.net

When you realize there is an abuse situation in your circle, it is easy to get caught in the gossip and the drama of it all. Leave that to the shallow and uncaring. Real friends rise up in these kinds of situations pouring outward, not using it for its entertainment value. How can we respond?

Support Can Be Complicated

First, we need to answer some honest questions. Are we really in this to help them? Or, do we just want the scoop? If this is messy, are we going to hang around and help them sort it out? Frequently healing takes a long time. Will we let them heal according to their timing or will our patience time out? Do we understand even the basics of trauma?

Trauma is a response to a negative or terrifying event. Specifically, our brains have a built-in protective mechanism for such instances but unwinding it isn’t as simple as getting the survivor safe. The effects can be debilitating and long lasting. We don’t have to get a degree in Psychology to understand how to support our friends through the healing journey. We can easily learn enough to be helpful to someone suffering from the effects of trauma. Let’s support IPV survivors by being what they deserve..a concerned friend.

Supporting Friends and Healing Trauma

This article from Help Guide.org will take a few minutes to read but will prepare you to be a friend to a survivor and help them feel safe around people again. You don’t need a degree, just a little empathy! Here are some of the helpful Do’s & Don’ts:

DON’T pressure them into words, words are often the last stage of healing. DO provide them social safety, invite them, be kind to them. DON’T talk more than you listen! DO normal things with them, remind them life is still out there! DON’T get worked up, stay calm so they can feel safe. DO use 911 if you are unsure that they are safe. DON’T crowd them, give them space to heal. Most importantly don’t try to stifle their emotions. They need to be allowed to be angry and scared and still be safe with you. DO provide your support and ask them how you can help. Let them lead, they are the only ones who know what they can handle.

Believing is Support to an IPV Survivor

Last and possibly the most important thing you can give a survivor is to BELIEVE THEM. IPV survivor rarely lie about the abuse they endured. There is no payoff for the shame and embarrassment they feel. They often carry guilt the abuser puts on them. Often being told they asked for or earned the abuse. They feel stupid for having stayed and on top of it people are quick to tell them they had a part to play in the situation.

If you remember nothing else from this article, remember this, abuse comes from the outside of a victim. Its origin is inside the abuser and it is visited upon the victim. No-one asks for or deserves to be abused. Furthermore, don’t heap more pain on a survivor by trying to draw lines of culpability. You can support an IPV survivor by believing them. They wanted Love, they got pain, that is lesson enough.

Friends Support Each Other

Friends are by definition the people we can count on. Nothing surprises me more than when a friend is there for the party but not for the pain. When we survive together we tether strings that grow the kind of relationship that stands the test of time. Did we forget that when we added “insta-friendship” for photo op’s only? Did we forget we can’t schedule pain in life or filter the messiness out? In a world dipped in suffering, it’s time we learned to take the good with the bad and stand by our people even when it’s hard.

An IPV survivor needs to know there are people who will not hurt them, people whom they can trust to support them. When people are hurt by the one they trusted, it is only in finding Love & care that healing can take root. Healthy connectedness unwinds the abuse done bit by bit. If you are a friend of a survivor, you can add to the problem or be part of the cure. You pick. The true test of a friend is putting each other first; there is no halfway approach.

Admit What You Don’t Know About IPV

It’s OK if you did not sign up for this level of support, but at the least know it and own it. Offer kindness, and social invitations, don’t make the survivor feel worse than they already do by rejecting or ignoring them. Maybe you aren’t equipped to help them heal and that is ok, but you can pledge to not pile on the pain. Friends who reject and ignore abuse victims make the process of healing worse. They confirm that people are not worthy of their trust, that there are no safe people. To put it another way, a survivor questions their own value and if we don’t show them they are wrong, they are likely to conclude they have none. Don’t be that kind of ‘friend’.

Parents Can Promote Awareness

Parents who get it agree there are big problems with the Love & relationship culture today. Sexting, revenge porn, nudes, rape and the hook-up culture to name a few. Consequently, a generation is being exposed to a version of ‘Love’ that doesn’t resemble Love at all. What can we do about it? I think we can do a lot! Lending support to each IPV survivor is just one piece of a much larger picture.

Preventing Abuse and Supporting Hearts

We can take time to prepare children for healthy Love and ingrain the red flags of abuse as deeply as we do the alphabet. As parents, we can give them an understanding of the cycles of abuse so they recognize it in their own relationships or in others they know. We can model what Real Love looks like and lives like. We can remind children they get to control Love. Love doesn’t control them or require them to accept abuse. Beyond that, we can teach them to be good friends in a world suffused with IPV and trauma. Let’s not under emphasize, parents can intentionally instill empathy in them so they are part of the solution, not the problem.

Truly, We can raise a generation that is awake to the damage being done in the name of Love. One heart at a time. Equipping them to offer badly needed support to each IPV survivor will create change for more than just the wounded. It will transform how many of us treat victims of all crimes. Lastly, we can show them how to be good humans who don’t re-injure and re-traumatize survivors.

Support the Wounded & Healing Hearts

Let’s stop focusing on the grade point, sports stats and party invites kids receive and start raising a generation that cares about the people around them. Teaching them to recognize and support the wounded, including supporting IPV survivors, will give them a kind of character that can handle whatever life brings them. We can teach them to be excellent in all aspects of life, starting with the kind of friend they are to someone who needs one. Let’s raise children who can avoid abuse and help those who are not so fortunate. Not to mention, the more compassion and healing we offer one another, the healthier our culture becomes.

Let’s not allow the minimization of empathy and hope in our culture change what we stand for, or the standards we set for the generations that follow us. We can teach them to notice the wounded. Show them how to support IPV survivors, while teaching them how to avoid being a victim themselves. We can share the hope of Love that isn’t heartless.

Rethinking Love & Relationship

Most importantly, let’s keep the faith that healthy Love still exists. At WorththeWar we shed light on practical ways to rethink Love & relationship. Let’s raise the bar. If we don’t sound the alarm and find new ways to approach Love, we become part of the problem. In the article The Best Way to Prevent Narcissism in Our Children we looked at practical ways to put a stop to feeding narcissism in our families. A great place to start to lasting change.

If you think we can do a better job preparing for Love & relationship than we are today, I hope you will join us! We are on almost every social media outlet, including YouTube. Please follow and engage as we add more people to our community daily! Additionally, follow us here to learn more as we increase our reach. We CAN do better, we can protect more hearts and we can be better friends to those who are already injured. Lastly, we can’t do it alone. Thank you for taking the time to care about the wounded hearts, it’s where healing begins.

Kimie Pearl

Here is a shorter video version of the first part of this article from YouTube!