Porn isn’t a big deal, just part of the world we live in. Maybe we are just bored or frustrated and pornography is a way to meet those needs. After all, no one gets hurt. Or that is what I thought.  Whenever the subject of porn came up in conversation, I laughed about it like everyone else. It seemed harmless until it stole the life I wanted, the heart I wanted.

I never clicked on a porn site, invited the pictures and videos in my mind. It wasn’t because I thought it was wrong, I just never felt the desire to indulge in a fantasy world that took the Love out of sex and made it purely physical.  I never chose to make it a part of my life, but for a season, porn was at the center of my life and I didn’t even know. It stole everything from me.

A Love Story

You can insert the Love story of your choice here. A sweet beginning, a path of unfolding hope and excitement over what we found. We fit. Special moments and dreams of the future fill the air. You know what it’s like, you are so happy your face hurts when you think about it.   I was overcome with gratefulness. I  found the fairytale but unlike most fairytales, the ending is not predictable.

Love that takes isn’t love

We were careful with the path we took in all areas of the relationship. Like everything else, our physical relationship made sense and we were on the same page. I don’t remember the day it began to shift. It was like a tide becoming too strong to fight. The kissing changed, touching wasn’t affection but more a demand. A big part of the shift was sexting. It brought a coldness and dominance that felt so out of place. 

The safety I  felt was challenged at its root. He was changing so fast. It felt like I was on an airplane and it dropped a 1,000 feet.  My stomach was in my chest as I tried to reason with myself.  I kept repeating that everything would turn out, that we would find our way. We still shared sweet moments, in fact he  declared his love more often after we added these things. But it felt like the world had turned on edge and I was just holding on.

Self Blame and Confusion

If you are asking why a girl who just wanted to feel safe and accepted would allow herself to be so obviously used? You are not alone, I ask it too. Why did I allow my body to be bruised, roughed up, spoken to as if I was dirty and subordinate? Allow little games to become battles for control? Similarly, why was  I  ok with being pushed around emotionally on top of it all? It’s simple, it was a gentle slide and I never considered that the same person who promised to protect and respect me would want to see me hurt.

I have learned in the aftermath that there is a grooming process in all forms of abuse. Often it is an over the top period filled with promises and shared dreams. But when the vision is casted and caught, the nightmare begins. In this story, porn is just one act of the nightmare.

He said I was his world and he loved me, but at the same time he began to use his body and his words to hurt me.  I woke up one day and realized I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. It had gone so far that the alarms were deafening and were all I could hear. I didn’t see the enemy in our relationship, the one He  invited in. Blinded by my wants, I didn’t understand what pornography was stealing from me. It moved in and everything that was good turned rotten. I can still smell it when I close my eyes. 

Looking back I even remember him asking me to watch porn with him, asking if I had a problem with it. Hindsight is a knife in the heart. I didn’t  comprehend the affects of pornography.  The guy I loved gave himself to a new and demanding lover. It was unassuming at first but quickly it had control over everything in our relationship, including me.  Maybe it was there before me but was quietly waiting until the stage was set to make itself known.

Slow Death of Convictions

Once there was gentleness and respect, and then only control and abuse. What once was concern and empathy was now a self serving drive to be satisfied.  The boundaries that once encouraged us to pursue separate lives  was crossed and replaced with a constant guilt of expectation.  I was emotionally punished if I wasn’t available to him.  The words that built me up were replaced with a stream of promises to do degrading things to my body.  Threats became a common part of our relationship. Finally, I began to question myself.

Even if  I never sat in front of the screen and watched pornography, I handed it my body, my soul and and my very self.  It was a slow death of my convictions.

I had always had a solid sense of self respect, but traded it in for gnawing shame. Learning to to deny its whispers,  knowing that to admit it meant I would have to let him go. As I compromised what I knew was right, I became like every other girl on his screen, there to accept and please him without value or personhood.  Scrambling, I tried to divert the path a few times, expressing my need for affection and boundaries.  It was like a train that couldn’t be stopped. No matter how many times I tried to find the guy I loved, he was gone.

Long overdue, the truth hit me hard.  I went from feeling Loved to feeling hunted and I had little idea how I got there.  It became clear there was no middle ground, give in and accept this was the life we would share or end it. Consequently I had an impossible choice. I needed to leave the most important person in my life or lose my self respect.

Fairytales Live on in Dreams

I wish I could tell you there was a happy ending, that pornography did not win,  but I can’t. It spiraled down until the day I left his arms bloodied, bruised and awake. My heart was crushed.  Still not grasping I was in a battle completely stacked against me. It took days to finally understand I couldn’t change the cycle we were in by myself. I had to stop justifying for both of us. Thinking I would die, I pulled the plug.  I didn’t die.

The enemy infiltrated the person I loved, making him someone I couldn’t trust and didn’t recognize. Most importantly, it sucked the care and empathy out of him and I was left with a cold heart that couldn’t be satisfied.  It was clear I had no choice but to give him to his first love; the blue screen that called his name in the quiet of the night. Feeling powerless to change any of it,  I knew I would be quickly replaced. It became clear He didn’t Love me. Any faceless body could fill my shoes.

Every time I share my story I get questions about why it was so hard to find my voice and set boundaries. Sometimes we want something or someone so badly we are willing to do whatever it takes to keep them.  At least until the day you realize you are losing yourself in the bargain.  He gave himself away before I knew there was a problem. It had gone so far down the road, there was no turning it around. Nothing short of a miracle was going to  save us. Trust me, I prayed for one.   Miracles are funny things, they are never forced on us.

Never the Same

When I am in a group and people bring up pornography  I don’t laugh anymore. I don’t preach, I remember that porn cost me my fairy tale. Porn and our choices left scars on my heart I never asked for. Its reach is long and wide. Damage reaches well beyond the privacy of the screen it is viewed on. Minds are changed by it.  I don’t accept everything I hear but I know what I have lived through. What the studies show is real, when porn is part of your relationship it changes everything.  What did pornography steal from me? Me, among other things, but I am coming back stronger.

We are fighting for healthy Love and relationship. If you think we can do better than we are doing now to prepare people then you have found the right place! Check out our YouTube on what Modern Love is and why we need to fight it!https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BN3bRSTqOMY

Note: Here is further information on the reality of Pornography https://worththewar.com/giving-pornography-truth-serum/  Due to the prevalence of pornography and it’s far reaching affects on love and relationship here is an article that discusses the science. https://worththewar.com/giving-pornography-truth-serum/  Please feel free to leave comments that may help someone else. If you have any material or experiences with pornography you would like to share please do! Send it to [email protected] We may want to do an interview! 

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